What I Do in Hueco Mundo
by tOKYOsKApARADISEoRCHESTRA
Summary: How exactly DOES Gin pass his time in Hueco Mundo? CH7: Byakuya! Why hav'ncha replied? And Renji, why are you reading your captain's letters without his permission? Where's that cable guy, anyway?
1. My Dearest Rangiku chan

**Letters From Hueco Mundo  
**  
Warnings: Spoilers for those who haven't read past SS arc

* * *

"Ne, Sousuke, I'm bored," Gin whined as he placed another white round game piece down. "That must be the hundredth time you've said that," I replied, squinting at the board. Ugh, was I losing to Gin at Go again? I swear it's the contacts, they blur my damn near sighted vision!

"Nuh, uh, I've said it more 'n that. 'nyways, who's dumb idea was it to ditch Soul Society anyway?"

"The one who came up with that 'dumb idea' is sitting right in front of you," I gritted my teeth, trying to decide where I could place my next move with the least casualties.

"What? Why'd we leave then? At least there were people t' annoy there," he sulked, "Hurry up"

I threw up my arms in frustration, "OK, I quit! Go bother Tousen or something!"

"Aww, yer no fun. And yer s'posed t' say makemashita" he complained, putting the pieces back into the wrong bowls.

"Gin, put them in the right containers," I felt a migraine coming up. What was he, a five year old? He's acting at least ahundred times younger than he is.

"I dun wanna," he replied, smiling and continuing to mix up the pieces, "Isn' it prettier?"

"No, it's not prettier, it just takes more time the next time we play because we have to separate the pieces first," What was I thinking when I made this idiot my subordinate?

"Heh, ya still wanna play later? Ya always lose," he grinned, now mixing handfuls of black pieces in the white container.

I swear he's having fun with this. And who's the one that keeps complaining that Hueco Mundo was boring?

"This place smells," he wrinkled his nose, capping both mixed containers.

"That's because YOU said black walls were emo and cliche and wanted to paint them!"

"It smells"

"You smell," I retorted. Ugh, his childishness was contagious. I got up as quickly as possible and headed towards the exit.

"Aww, you know you like it," he called after me.

* * *

Aw, Aizen Taichou was no fun. 'Cept I guess he's not a captain anymore. What to do? Tousen s'no fun. He can't see. I wonder if he misses his seeing eye dog he left behind in Soul S'ciety, that Komamura guy or whatever. Too bad Sousuke wouldn' lemme bring Izuru-chan with me...who else could I bother? The Hollows were pretty stupid, and they keep wanting t' eat me. Or molest me or somethin'.

Oh! Rangiku-chan! I'll write her a letter.

_My Dearest Rangiku-chan, I scrawled._

_How have ya' been? I'm just fine, minus the boredom. If I weren' dead already, I woulda died from this. Sousuke is as annoyable as usual, but he seems emo-er without his emo glasses. I guess he got pissed when I made fun of them and got contacts. Hahaha he didn' even notice that they got switched with some lower prescription ones. How's Soul Society without me? How's Kira? Oh, I'll write him a letter too! Are ya killing any Hollows? We make Hollows. Hahaha that's funny. Wait it sounds kinda wrong, ugh no, I don't make Hollows with Aizen like that. Aizen kinda makes them himself. There's this one Hollow, Grimtooth or somethin', he looks kinda like Sousuke without his emo glasses, I keep tryin' t' make him try them on but he won't. And then there's some other one, Ully or whatshisface. He doesn' look like Sousuke, but he looks emo. Sousuke's emo. Are you emo? I know Kira's emo. Oh, and I can't email ya yet cuz the damn internet hasn' been installed yet. I miss my website, there's some Ukitake x Matsumoto there too! Oh! And there's another one that looks like Ukitake! 'Cept he died yesterday. Eh, I've gotta go wreak havoc on that li'l strawberry 'n' his friends or so Sousuke-chan says._

_Lovingly and Ever Waiting for your Wonderful Reply,  
Ichimaru Gin_

He quickly doodled a smiley chibi self portrait under his signature with a peace sign and shoved the letter into an envelope, scribbling her name and address.

* * *

Matsumoto Rangiku's hand shook as she finished her mail, contemplating on whether to burn the letter or turn it in as evidence. And what the hell was Ukitake x Matsumoto?

* * *

A/N: Previously from my other crack collection fic, but I've decided to make it a series.


	2. Gin Smiley

**Gin-Smilies**

Disclaimer: Yeah, like I'd own Bleach and Pokemon

* * *

After moving the record up to 369 wins, 1.5 losses against Aizen at Go, 538 wins, 0 losses against Tousen, he was feeling utterly sick of the game. Playing against blind, or near blind, people wasn't no fun.

He trudged out of the room into the hallway, groped a random arrancar, and made his way into his room.

After digging through his desks and finding his shoujo manga, some yaoi doujinshi, eight broken pencils, strawberry lotion, white out, a broken bracelet, porn, his gameboy, a dried out dry erase marker, a barrette, a dry cleaning receipt, a few Pokemon cards, some glitter glue, and a stale candy bar, he finally found some stationary and a pen.

He sat down and started to compose a letter to his dear ex-vice-captain, before he found that his pen was dried out. He then threw it out the door, and started writing with a crayon he tripped over and stuck in his pocket earlier.

_Dear Izuru-chan,_

He stopped and doodled a Gin-smiley in the margin.

_(Isn' it cute? I call it th' Gin-Smiley)_

_How are you today? Having fun in Soul Society? Hueco Mundo is so boring. You should come visit me! There's an Arrancar that's emo! Just like you! You guys could be friends. Hehehe that's pretty._

He stopped and doodled Uliquiorra and Izuru being emo together, complete with bleeding hearts flying around.

_Ne, have I been replaced yet? Are you still the third division's vice captain? Does the third division have a new captain? Aw, it breaks my heart to think that you might be serving someone else now._

He paused again to doodle another Gin-Smiley by the line.

_How's Momo-chan? Did she die? That'd be sad, she'd my number one reviewer._

Sad-Gin-Smiley.

_Hmm. Who else did I leave behind? Eh, you should all come visit me! We could have a party!_

Happy-Gin-smiley.

Not that any of his smilies looked any different.

_I'm still waitin' for that cable guy to come 'ere. I bet another hollow ate 'im again. This sucks. And I bet even after he installs all the crap (if he ever gets 'ere) the connection will suck. Ya know why? 'Cuz Sousuke-chan is stingy!_

Sad-Gin-Smiley.

_Aw it's so cute I should patent it. 'Cept I doubt they'd give claims to someone dead. Prejudice! Discrimination! Sexism!_

_Yeah well, I'll kill them if they don't let me._

Gin-Smiley.

_How d'ya patent something anyway?_

_Hey I think I hear screams, I bet it's the cable guy. Hm, wonder if I should save him or let him get ripped up for being so damn late? Eh, if I don't help him we'd probably not get internet for another few months...damn._

He quickly drew another Gin-Smiley and sealed the envelope, addressing it to "Izuru-chan", before running out his room.

* * *

A/N: Who else should Gin write to? Will Matsumoto reply? Will Kira reply?


	3. Good News

**Good News**

A/N: Feel free to skip Gin's letter while Kira reads it.

* * *

"Oi, Kira, a letter for you."

"Ah, thank you," he replied, taking the letter. Soul Society had been left in rambles after the betrayal of three captains, and now they were even sending seated officers into the human world to defend from Arrancarrs? It seemed impossible for any good news to come to him. And anyways, who'd write him a letter? His family had all passed away a long time ago, and his friends were all shinigami as well.

_To: Izuru-chan_

...Izuru-chan?

Hm, a love letter or confession, maybe? Though he would've expected "Kira-senpai" or something like that then...

He flipped the envelope over, only to find a _**dundundun**_ Gin-Smiley.

"AH!" he screamed, tossing the letter onto the floor of his bedroom as if it were lethal.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhaleinhaleexhaleinhaleexhaleinhale-

He calmed himself before timidly approaching the letter again. If he read it, would it be considered treason? Why wasn't the letter flagged down by the postage anyway?

He opened it and read.

_Dear Izuru-chan,_

_(Isn' it cute? I call it th' Gin-Smiley)_

Gin-Smiley...figures.

_How are you today? Having fun in Soul Society? Hueco Mundo is so boring. You should come visit me! There's an Arrancar that's emo! Just like you! You guys could be friends. Hehehe that's pretty._

It...didn't look like Kira at all. And were those...bleeding hearts? Or confetti? Emo? What's emo? Why would he want to be friends with a hollow?

_Ne, have I been replaced yet? Are you still the third division's vice captain? Does the third division have a new captain? Aw, it breaks my heart to think that you might be serving someone else now. How's Momo-chan? Did she die? That'd be sad, she'd my number one reviewer. Hmm. Who else did I leave behind? Eh, you should all come visit me! We could have a party! I'm still waitin' for that cable guy to come 'ere. I bet another hollow ate 'im again. This sucks. And I bet even after he installs all the crap (if he ever gets 'ere) the connection will suck. Ya know why? 'Cuz Sousuke-chan is stingy! Aw it's so cute I should patent it. 'Cept I doubt they'd give claims to someone dead. Prejudice! Discrimination! Sexism!_

_Yeah well, I'll kill them if they don't let me._

_How d'ya patent something anyway?_

_Hey I think I hear screams, I bet it's the cable guy. Hm, wonder if I should save him or let him get ripped up for being so damn late? Eh, if I don't help him we'd probably not get internet for another few months...damn._

_From Your Beloved Ex-Captain,  
Ichimaru Gin-chan_

And a friendly letter at that. If it had been a death threat he would've been fine, but _noo_. Oh, no. Ichimaru-Taichou just had to send the type of letter worthy of accusing him of treason as well. Great, just great.

His day was _perfect_.

Hinamori-kun is still in her coma, Soul Society is completely hectic, a good fourth of our captains are missing.

Great.

Now that his death was certain, he felt he might as well write back.

_Dear Ichimaru Taichou,_

He crossed out Taichou. Gin wasn't really a captain anymore. Gin? Would it be ok to refer to him as that?

_Dear_

Dear? Should he be using "Dear" to address a traitor?

Ah, screw this.

He crumpled up the piece of paper and got out a new one.

_To: Ichimaru Gin.  
Hueco Mundo._

Ugh, what was this, a business letter? Oh, well, not like he cared anymore.

_I'm just fine. Perfectly fine. Soul Society is in shambles and the paperwork has quadrupled. Wishing you were here._

_Sincerely, Kira Izuru._

He sighed, was that a little to distant? Well, he had a right to be distant, but still. It was lacking..

_PS: What's emo?_

He was curious.

He re-read the letter and decided to reiterate himself.

_PPS: I was being sarcastic when I said I wished you were here._

_PPPS: Momo's still in her coma, thanks to a certain someone._

_PPPPS: And we all know who that is._

_PPPPPS: No, I don't think we'll be going to your party, thanks for the invitation, anyway._

_PPPPPPS: You might want to ask that Kurosaki kid though, he might._

_PPPPPPPS: I like the Gin-Smiley._

He hurridly folded the letter and stuffed it in the envelope, scrawling the address.

Shitshitshit.

This was definitely treason.

He shouldn't send this, he'd die. _Diediedie._

Dead as a...a... uh, dead...

Dead as a-

"Kira-Fukutaichou, is there anything you'd like to mail? We'll be collecting letters or packages now."

"Oh, yeah, sure, w-wait. Here you go, t-thanks," he sighed.

"WAIT NO, COME BACK! PLEASE!"

Dead as a dead shinigami, he decided.

* * *

A/N: And I'll be writing a letter to Byakuya later XD


	4. PS: I like the Gin Smiley

**PS: I Like The Gin Smiley**

A/N: I forgot to post this along with the last chapter

* * *

Gin banged his head against the wall. Leaving Soul Society had to be the stupidest idea Sousuke had ever came up with.

Then he thought about it, and figured it wasn't entirely true. Soul Society had been pretty dull too, 'til that ryoka team came, anyway.

But there were people there. Dead people, but people nonetheless.

Hollows were boring. Depressingly boring.

He heard more screams. He rushed out.

The last time this happened, he had gotten there just two seconds late. If he'd been just a little earlier, they would've had internet!

Oh, mail-man again. He hadn't written any new letters though.

Wait, a reply? Izuru-chan! How cute.

Ripping open the letter, he sat down on his bed to read.

_To: Ichimaru Gin.  
Hueco Mundo._

How cold!

_I'm just fine. Perfectly fine. Soul Society is in shambles and the paperwork has quadrupled. Wishing you were here._

_Sincerely, Kira Izuru._

Aww, "Wishing you were here". Izuru-chan could be so cute

_PS: What's emo?_

The poor kid had been living in a box. How could he not know what emo was? And he was a perfect example, too.

_PPS: I was being sarcastic when I said I wished you were here._

Aw, Izuru-chan!

_PPPS: Momo's still in her coma, thanks to a certain someone._

You're welcome.

_PPPPS: And we all know who that is._

Who could it be? Just kidding.

Yes, yes. Of course. I welcome the applause.

Actually, Gin felt kind of bad, she loved his fanfiction!

_PPPPPS: No, I don't think we'll be going to your party, thanks for the invitation, anyway._

Awww...

_PPPPPPS: You might want to ask that Kurosaki kid though, he might._

Oh, he already sent an invitation.

_PPPPPPPS: I like the Gin-Smiley._

That made him smile. He smiled an exact replica of his Gin-Smiley, less crooked though.

* * *

A/N: Matsumoto's reply might not come until way later, when she's really drunk or something.


	5. B is for Bad Poetry

**B is for Bad Poetry**

* * *

Who else's address did he have? Oh haha, nevermind, everyone lived in the same Seireitei.

Hmm, who else could he write to? Ah! Byakuya-bocchan!

Grabbing a piece of paper, he fished around for something to write with, and settled for a pink highlighter.

_Beloved Byakuya,_

_I remembered how much you love poems today, while rushing out the door to save the already dead cable guy! Sooo, I'll write you a poem! Hurray!_

_B is fer Byakuya! 'n' badass! 'n beautiful! 'n' you have black hair!  
Y is fer yellow bananas! I wanna banana! 'n' YAY!  
A is fer angry! Like when I steal yer hair noodles!  
K is fer kool! Because your name has no "C!  
U is fer uber prettyness! Because you are!  
Y is fer yellow again! But it doesn' suit you at all!  
A is fer accrostic! Th' only kinda poem I can write!_

_By th' way, I call this kinda poem exclamationism! 'Cuz of all th' exclamation marks, ya know?_

_With Much Love,  
Ichimaru Gin_

_PS: Sorry fer stabbing ya, I was really trying t' get yer sister there (she flamed my Izuru x Rukia fic!) hope ya get better 'n' write back! (Gin-Smiley)_

"Sealed with a kiss," he murmured, sealing the envelope.

With that done, he decided to work on the self portrait he started on Aizen's closet door.

* * *

A/N: Sorry it's kinda short, but he's planning on sending a bunch of mini letters to flood Byakuya's mailbox.

Does anyone want to give me a/some retarded, yet fitting screenname(s) for Gin?


	6. Dial Up Sucks

**Dial-up Sucks**

Warnings:I didn't go memorize what the programs really say so they might be wrong or whatever.

* * *

Gin kicked the computer and sulked. The seventh cable guy had got smushed up and eaten again, and so Sousuke settled for dial-up. Ugh.

Well, until decent internet came, he'd just have to hog the phone line then. Not like anyone used it except for him, anyway.

Signing on to the internet, he logged on Yahoo instant messenger, MSN instant messenger, AOL instant messenger, and checked his fanfiction site.

Aww, the number of guestbook entries had decreased so much since he tripped over Momo-chan when Shiro-chan and he were playing tag. He couldn't believe she was still in a coma.

Oh good! Sousuke-chan was online! That stingy bastard.

**HappySadisticSmiles**: SUP, MAN!

**KingOfTheWorld**: ...

**HappySadisticSmiles**: Omg I'm lagging so much. This is all your fault. :( you suck!

**KingOfTheWorld**: ...

You have just been warned. Your warning level is now 15 percent.

Was he picking a fight? Well, he was just asking for it!

Are you sure you want to warn this user?

Yes! Yes_yes**yes!**_

Damn, he clicked the cancel button on accident due to his excitement.

You have just been warned. Your warning level is now 25 percent.

Shit. He was loosing!

Are you sure you want to warn this user?

Take that!

Great, both of them were at 65 and the stupid program wouldn't let him warn anymore!

He logged off.

Switching to his MSN client, he sent Aizen a 'nudge'. Hehehe the noise it made was always annoyingly entertaining.

You cannot send another nudge so soon.

Well, screw this program too.

Gin-chanAT shinigamisoup DOT net says:  
AIZEN!

irule AT huecomundo DOT comsays:  
This user has logged off. Your messages may not be received.

Oh now he was ignoring him?

Already prepared, he switched to his Yahoo instant messaging client, only to see that Aizen had logged off as soon as he started to type his message.

Damn, what else was he supposed to do with this crappy 56k connection? He couldn't even edit his website without it taking five whole minutes to save. And three minutes to load, at that.

He switched back to the internet browser and saw that his guestbook page had finally loaded. Well that was nice. The amount of entries had gone down so much after he tripped over poor Momo-chan. It was her fault for barging on Toushirou-chan and his game of tag, anyway. But the look on the shorty's face was hilarious. Of course, then Rangiku-chan had came and told him reccess was over, what a party pooper.

Defeatedly depressed, he decided to start writing the next chapter of his RenjiIzuru fic. His ex-vice-captain had really seemed to like it.

* * *

A/N: I only ended up using one screenname this time, but Gin will get his cable (eventually)! And so if anyone still has suggestions that'd be great XD


	7. Junk Mail

**Junk Mail**

* * *

Another one? He eyed the envelope sitting atop his desk.

He dropped the stack of papers he had just brought back from the post office onto his desk. If they were going to _deliver_ his mail, why make him go all the way down to the postal office to bring these back?

"Renji, separate these for me," he sighed and fanned himself. He didn't have time for this.

The vice-captain grumbled and trudged over to the pile of flowery envelopes.

Fan-mail. Fan-mail. To Bya-chan? More fan-mail. Bills. Junk. A late birthday card. Fan-mail. Fan-mai-

"Oi! Taichou! Is this really from-?"

Kuchiki Byakuya peered over the mountain of letters and scowled at the envelope in his subordinate's hands. Another one.

"Ugh, throw that trash away."

"Y-yessir," he wondered if reading it would be considered treason. Or maybe not reading and reporting it would be considered withholding information? And treason? Ugh, he needed to spend less time with that emo nut-case.

-

Two hundred and sixty three letters later, his hands were sore and his mind was numb.

_Fanmailfanmailfanmailfanmailfanmail- and the occaisional bill or junk mail._

And then there were those envelopes addressed to "Byakuya-chan", decorated with that eerily familliar smiley. Could it be?

He looked down at the stack of letters in his hands. There had to be at leat fiv- eight? No, more than that- ten?

He locked his door and spread them across the floor to count. One, two, three, seven, sixteen?

Out of curiosity, he decided to open one. Poor Renji, don't you know that's how Soi-Fong's kitty died?

_Dear Byakuya-chan,_

_How cold! Ya haven't replied any of my letters! Didn ya like th' poem?_

_Should I write ya another one? Hmm, or maybe you should write me one!_

_Oh! Or maybe someones been readin' yer mail?_

Renji dropped the letter. Ichimaru Gin was still as creepy as every, even through long distance first-class postage.

_Who'd dare to read Kuchiki Byakuya-sama's letters? Wouldya like me ta skewer him for ya? Oh! or maybe yer still mad cuz I poked ya too hard last time? Aww, c'mon think of it as a friendly gesture!_

Friendly gesture, my _ass_.

_Well, I'll be sending ya another letter tomorrow or later or somethin'! Look forward to my new ByakuyaRenji fic! It's NC-17! Hehe, and ya haven't read that ByakuyaHanatarou one either, I'm so hurt!_

_Love,  
Ichimaru Gin (Gin-Smiley)_

B-ByakuyaRenji? What was that?

... that it wasIchimaru, he didn't want to know.

-

Kuchiki Byakuya finished his bills and pushed the other stack of useless letters into the wastebasket by his desk. He couldn't believe the nerve of that traitor. First he tries to kill his sister, then he stabs him, and then he sends him a poem. A _poem_. About his _hair_.

He could care less about whether or not this would be considered withholding information from Central 46. Not like the letters ever had anything of importance anyway.

Andthey were _not_ hair noodles.

* * *

A/N: Sorry I haven't been updating anything lately. I've been busy with homework!schoolstuff and working on other fics on a joint account thingy :x


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